


Silent Song

by Kopeta



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Other, River will eventually pop up I promise, Space Wives, Useless bisexual wives
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-03 08:49:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16323068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kopeta/pseuds/Kopeta
Summary: After the Thirteenth Doctor finally recovers her TARDIS, a near destruction experience forces the four friends to tour inside the old time travel ship. This will take The Doctor down memory lane against her wishes, reopening a chapter of her life she thought was closed. This will lead her to an unexpected road of emotions and adventures.ORThe TARDIS is a cheeky bastard and misses her daughter, so she decides nudge the Doctor in the right direction.





	1. 1. Inside the TARDIS

**Author's Note:**

> Hey people! I hope you enjoy this little story of the space wives. I have no Beta, so feel free to correct any mistakes you might read. Thanks for reading!

Yaz watched from the distance while Ryan and Graham bickered about some disagreement. She'd never tell them, but that made them look more like a family. She doubted they knew what they were arguing about anymore.

That's when the Doctor barged in with her trademark grin and energetic pace.

“Okay, friends, off we go. Where would you like to go next? A planet? Another time? I mean, not like, let's do it another day but, travel in time. Or, should I say, through time? Or through time? Or maybe THROUGH time?” she emphasized, making a swift movement with her index finger.

“You just said the same sentence three times in a row” Graham mentioned, eyebrow raised. 

“Did I?” she replied, raising her brow and turning her head in a sudden movement. “This English language is so limited. You really need to expand your time travelling vocabulary”.

“Now you're distracting yourself again” Graham added, with a little smile in the corner of his lips. They hadn't known her for too long, but even Graham had grown fond of her incessant babbling. 

The Doctor opened her mouth to reply while she started to lean on the control panel, but the answer got stuck in her throat as she tripped and began falling to the floor. She held onto a well hidden lever on her way down, trying to stop the impact. 

“Whoo-oooaah!!” she exclaimed as her ass landed in the cold floor. The TARDIS immediately started to growl. It was a sound Yaz had never heard before, different from the dematerialization noise she usually did. 

The doctor stood up at lightning speed and stared at the console with sheer horror in her face, gaping uncontrollably and moving her hands in a chaotic dance. “Oh, no no no no no no no. No no, that did not just happen. Oooooh boy--girl, sorry Sexy”. She spinned around, hands in her head, eyes lost around her newly redecorated TARDIS. 

Yaz held onto the closest railing, struggling to keep her balance. “Doctor, what's happening? What's that? Who’s Sexy?” she yelled, staring at the doctor with a panicked look. 

The doctor pull her apologetic face, the sorry-I-just-screwed-it-up-big-time face they had got to know quite well. “I miiight have initiated the TARDIS’ self-destruction system. I'm pretty sure the swimming pool just got ejected” she answered, frantically touching levers and buttons, trying to stop the process. The Doctor started to yell instructions at Ryan and Graham, and after a rather short time of teamwork, they managed to stabilize the situation. 

“Okay, okay, that was… not so good. Okay. Damage assessment!” The Doctor said, approaching the screen. “I hope the library didn't get destroyed. That would be just a liiitle catastrophic. Just all the Gallifreyan history and culture and language and…” she babbled, touching the screen with searching eyes. “Library is safe… that was close. Damn, I can't see the damage Upper North deck” The Doctor added, fidgeting with the screen. 

“Upper North?” Yaz inquired, approaching the console. 

“You know, dimensional thingy pingy medly woodly stuff” she replied, moving her right hand in circular twirls. She stared at her own hand, frowning at herself. “I hadn't done that since… nevermind. Let's go check the damage” she finished, rushing through the TARDIS towards one of the aisles. They followed her, Graham last in tow with resigned exasperation on his face, as usual. The Doctor checked all rooms at lightning speed, making approving gestures with her head once in a while and mumbling to herself.

She opened a door on the end of the aisle, right before a turn left. Her face sighed in relief looking through the door. That gave Yaz time to catch up and peek through the door. A stunning library stayed at the other side, without damage in sight. “This is amazing!” She awed, slowly entering through the threshold, eyes wandering all over the beautiful room.

Ryan and Graham followed behind, all three of them admiring the incredible collection. Yaz delicately touched the covers, full of intrincated symbols, similar to the ones in the TARDIS console. ‘Gallifreyan’, she guessed in wonder. She kept going through the collection, while Ryan sat down on an old looking sofa. “Damn, this is comfy. It has a hole in the middle. Doctor, you must have sit here a lot” he mentioned, resting his head in the back of it. 

The Doctor stayed still at the threshold, eyes lost in the distance. “I used to” she answered, a shadow crossing her eyes before she turned around and left for the next door. Yaz frowned, watching The Doctor disappear before any of them had the chance to mention her reaction. She caressed the side of an impressive colorful volume before leaving for the door, while Ryan made a grumbling noise that sounded a lot like a complain for having to stand up from his comfy spot. 

Yaz looked around the aisle, rapidly finding The Doctor in front of another door. She had opened it and she stayed completely still, staring into the room wide eyed, the shadow from before turned into something akin to distant sadness. Yaz approached cautiously, unsure on how to approach this facet of the Doctor. “Doctor, are you okay? Did something important get destroyed?” she tiptoed, her face twisted in mild concern. 

The Doctor snapped out of her shock, frantically moving her hands. “It’s fine Yaz, it’s all fine” she replied, avoiding any sort of eye contact with the trio while she closed the door. “Perfect, actually, not a single scratch. Not even one. All good, flawless!” she added, finally looking at them with a smile,the distress from before almost disappeared from her face. “Shall we continue? Those rooms won’t check themselves!” she finished, rushing towards the depths of the TARDIS. 

She suddenly stopped and raised her brow, deep in thought. “I wonder if…” she meditated, her index finger on her chin. “Too easy! it was too easy for a self destruction. The screen not showing the damaged parts, that particular door order…’ she lowered her voice, resuming her thoughts. “Stubborn time ship, what are you playing at?” she whispered to herself, while Yaz struggled to listen to the words. Before the younger woman could begin to process the meaning, the Doctor stormed away again. Graham made an exasperated sigh for the millionth time, looking at Yaz inquiringly while following both women. “Seriously, is she ever going to stop running without a warning first? I can’t keep up, I’m too old for this” he buffed, fastening his pace. 

They catched a glimpse of The Doctor turning around a corner before she got out of their sight. They followed suit, finding an open door shortly after. They entered the poorly lit room, and neither of the three friends were ready for what they found on the other side. Ryan’s mouth catched up with his mind first. “Is this ANOTHER TARDIS inside the TARDIS?” he exclaimed, approaching the badly damaged console room. 

Before the Doctor had a chance to intervene, Yaz spoke. “Did the self-destructing sequence cause this mess? What happened, Doctor?” she asked, joining Ryan next to the console. It looked very similar, but at the same time so different from the TARDIS they knew. More modern, more buttons. Same concept, different essence. 

“This is my last TARDIS’s console room, the same way I left it the last time I was here” The Doctor replied. ‘“Told you, regeneration can be quite destructive. I never saw the whole extent of the damage, it is quite bad” she admitted, looking around. Graham was at the base of the stairs, looking up at the shattered walls. “What happened to the books? Those are bookshelves, aren’t they?” Graham inquired, signaling the burned shelves. She approached Graham in silence, her sight never leaving the top of the stairs. “Yes, those are bookshelves. I guess the TARDIS realized I wasn’t going much to the library anymore. So you know what they say, if The Doctor doesn’t go to the library, the library goes to the doctor. Those were just my favorite ones” she replied, deep in thought. 

Graham slowly raised his hand, barely touching The Doctor’s arm. “Doctor… what happened? Why did you stop going to the library? You mentioned it before” he softly asked, concerned look in his eyes. The Doctor started moving her hands with a conflicted look in her face, facing away from her friends one more time. She tugged at her hair, struggling to find the words. “You know, libraries. They’re so quiet, too much silence in the library. I just couldn’t... too much silence and too many books, too many!” she exclaimed, an uncertain look in her face. “Who needs silence to read anyway? I love noise! Much better reading with noise” she kept going, approaching a wall.

She touched the wall for a few moments, meditating her next words. ‘“I didn’t realize it back then. I guess my TARDIS noticed I prefered to read with noise, so she brought the library to me.” The old time ship shrieked in approval, confirming the Doctor’s words. “I guess after a few millenia together, she does know me quite well” she reasoned, smiling at the ceiling, in unison with the TARDIS’ soothing noise.

She put a scolding face before adding, “So, is this what you wanted, then? Now, Will you stop doing…” she moved her hands at a supersonic speed. “...whatever you’re doing?” The Doctor loudly wondered, staring at the ceiling even more intensely. The TARDIS answered with a disapproving noise, or that’s what Yaz thought judging by the Doctor’s face. “You stubborn old girl, what is it that you want?” she asked. 

Yaz had been prying around the destroyed room, noticing the little details. She followed a better lit path, observing the shattered objects around. That’s when she saw it, a shining object on the floor. She picked it up, holding it up under the light to better analyze it. It was a ring, a beautifully crafted one, with a green gem in the middle and a double silver and gold band holding it in place. “Is this yours, Doctor?” she questioned, still admiring the fine jewelry. 

She looked back at The Doctor just in time to see her face rapidly shift from astonishment, to confusion, to defeat, to realization. She finally reacted, taking the object from Yaz’s hand, holding it in place. “Okay, old box, I got it! Just, give me a break. I KNOW, okay!?” She yelled with despair in her voice. “I need a minute, just a minute. Just, ONE minute” she kept saying, knuckles white with the strength she was using to hold the ring.

The TARDIS made a sound Yaz interpreted as sorry, while The Doctor strolled past all of them towards the door. She stopped just at the doorstep, turning around for a second. “We’ll… talk later. Yes, later. Or you know, after that. I need to find the swimming pool and… swim. If it’s still intact. I’m pretty sure it is, It seems like She has been playing us this whole time” she pointed, still lost in her thoughts. 

She finally raised her head, watching the faces of her concerned friends. “Come on, don’t look at me that way. I’m fine, I’m fine. I’ll be fine, hopefully. the TARDIS is just being a stubborn old lady. I just need a swim. Or an adventure. Or, you know, something. I’ll think of something, I always do” she concluded with a doubtful smile. She made a little pause, staring at the ceiling again. “You better make sure they find their way back to the console room” she added, before giving an honest stare at her new friends and making an exit. 

The Shefford trio let the Doctor leave, giving her some time to sort out her thoughts. Graham was the first to move towards the door. “Am I really lost here, or the TARDIS has just plotted against the Doctor for some reason I don’t grasp?” he asked. Yaz shrugged, exiting after the two men and closing the door behind her. “It sure seemed like it. Whatever that was about, it really got to the Doctor. She looked… sad.” 

Ryan slowed his pace, a pensive frown in his face. “You remember when she talked about her family not being around, back in Sheffield? It had a resemblance to it, but it looked… I don’t know, different. Scared”, he resolved. 

They kept walking, arriving at the console room in less than two minutes. Graham looked around, confused. “It took us ages to get to the old TARDIS, how did we made it back so fast?” he exclaimed. Ryan and Yaz looked at each other, little smile on their faces. “Dimensional thingy dingy medly woodly” They replied in unison, making the TARDIS grumble in agreement. Yaz listened to the noise, a sudden thought coming back to her mind. 

“Am I the only one wondering why the Doctor calls his time ship ‘Sexy’?”


	2. 2. The Kitchen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The four friends establish a little more their dynamics in a very homey chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a Beta, so the first chapter was edited a little. Not major plot changes though. I focused this chapter on their internal dynamics. Since there's no much to go on, I decided to improvise their personalities. Graham is the mom and he hates aprons.

Yaz found herself sitting in the kitchen, setting the table for lunch. She had mentioned being hungry and Graham immediately offered to help. Ryan opened random drawers while Graham cooked some good smelling vegetable meal. Yaz stared at him, the question obvious in her face. ‘Is it that surprising to see I can cook a healthy meal? I was a retired, recovering-from-cancer, stay-at-home husband, married to a nurse that gave lectures about healthy habits. I have my fair share of Grace-approved recipes” he explained. Ryan huffed at the back. “Don’t remind me about it. You went from a basic-cooking pupil to a nutrition master in no time. Now you’re worse than she ever was” he pointed, staring with disgust at the cooking vegetables. 

Yaz smiled from the back, amused at Ryan’s comeback. “I have the feeling you’re not the only one who’s going to complain about the veggies” she pointed, amused. 

The Doctor chose that moment to barge in, nostrils flaring. “Is that food?” she asked, reminding Yaz of an excited puppy. “I smelled food from the swimming pool, this nose is getting better. It’s still intact, by the way. The swimming pool, not the nose. Well, sort of. I’ll have to fix the gravity in that room eventually. Jumping upwards is only half the fun” she clarified, running towards the boiling pots. 

“Okay, I really need to check THAT out!” Ryan exclaimed eagerly. He made a beeline for the door, determined. That’s when Graham cleared his throat, turning his head. “Ryan, what about having lunch before? Maybe we can all go check it out later” he suggested with a half-scolding, half-suggesting voice. Ryan opened his mouth to argue, but Graham gave him a look, leaning his head discreetly towards The Doctor. It was enough to shut him up. Yaz observed their interaction with curiosity, storing that information for later. 

The Doctor was oblivious to the interaction between the two men, too busy checking the menu. Her face turned into a pout as soon as she realized what Graham was cooking. “Vegetables?! I don’t like vegatables! Wait, do I like vegetables? I don’t think I’ve ever liked them. Do I like them now?” she wondered, sticking a fork inside a pot and picking a couple of green beans, putting them in her mouth before Graham could react. She rapidly spit them against the wall, yelling and sticking out her mouth. “Hot, it’s hot! Burning! And awful! Who would eat that willingly?” she questioned, glancing a disgusted look towards the meal. 

“That’s because they’re still raw! You’re like a five-year old!” he stated, pushing The Doctor away from the stoves. She let him push her to the other side of the kitchen, where Ryan sat staring at an object in his hand. 

“What is that?” she asked, curious. He glanced her way, turning the long plastic object around. “It’s a piece of a game my nan invented to help with the dyspraxia, the rest is in my room. She used to play with me. I can play alone, but… it’s not as entertaining” he replayed, a little sadness pecking through his eyes at the mention of his grandmother. She observed him for a few seconds, an empathic look on the corner of her eyes. She kneeled down next to the table, delicately touching the hand holding the object. “Maybe you can teach me, so I can distract myself from the fact that lunch’s not ready and I’m positive I won’t like it anyway?” she suggested, making Ryan laugh. He gave her a little smile, nodding in acceptance. 

Graham pointed at both of them with a wooden spoon, pointed look in place. “Now you two, get out of my kitchen before any of you insult my cooking again!” he jokingly menaced. Ryan led the way towards the door, the Doctor in tow. “Don’t worry Graham, we’re out of your hair” he said, crossing the threshold. The Doctor gave Graham an apologetic look before following suit, leaving him standing next to the kitchen counter. 

He manipulated the stoves before sitting in the chair next to them, sighing deeply. “I have no idea how to get through to him, Yaz. His nan… talking about her is the only thing that can help, the only thing that brings us closer. But it also makes him sad and defensive. I have no idea how to reach him” he said, shoulders dropping. “And the truth is… he’s the only family I have left. And I never succeeded making him a part of my life before. I don’t know if I can manage to do that without Grace” he finished, exhaling all the air he had been holding. “And then there’s the Doctor, there’s something going on with her, and God forbid if I know what it is. And I’m not good at the whole feeling thing, and they’re a couple of stubborn idiots and I’m at a loss here” he concluded, sinking further in his chair. 

Yaz sat down next to him, patting his knee before laying her hand there. “Before, when he was intent on leaving for the swimming pool. You told him to stop, and he seemed ready to argue, but he didn’t.” she stated. 

Graham put his hand over hers, taking comfort in the small gesture. “It’s a silent code we had. Whenever something was going on with Grace, whether she was upset or needed something, I would look at him and let him know. So whatever tension was between us, we’d make a little unspoken truce until it was solved. I gave him that look unconsciously” he admitted, “I was worried about The Doctor, I thought that Ryan leaving for the pool might have given her an excuse to run again. I just wanted all of us to stay and just… make her feel comfortable in our presence” he finished. 

“Well, he didn’t reply, so he understood your message. You still have that connection with him, and it wasn’t about Grace this time. That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” Yaz reasoned. 

“Yes, it is.I didn’t realize it then, but… I guess it is”.

“I know it’s a cliché but… give him time. Let him know that you carry Grace with you.”

“I will. Thank you, Yaz”.

 

____________________________________________________

Ryan fell for the twentieth time on a row, facing down the floor. He rolled around, a custard cream on his hand. 

“I fell, but still made it!” he yelled, bright smile in place. You’re some though player, Doctor!” he said, biting his prize. 

“That was fun, Ryan! Your nan sure had some imagination.” she mentioned. Ryan’s mood shifted at the mention of her grandmother, his smile not as bright as before. He got lost in thought, remembering all the times she had helped him get better at coordination. He looked up, and noticed The Doctor staring at him. That’s when he processed she had been talking to him.

“Sorry Doctor, I didn’t catch that last part. What was it?”

She didn’t reply. Instead, she sat down next to him, legs open. “You miss her” she stated, playing with another cookie in her hands. 

“I've tried carrying my family around with me, like you said, remembering them whenever I do something, what they'd say or do. And I try, I really try. But it’s not easy” he mentioned. “And I know I need time but… “ he doubted, pausing for a second. “This morning, in the old TARDIS console... How long has it been, Doctor? Since you lost them”, he asked. 

The Doctor fell silent, eyes fixed on a random point. “It never gets easier, losing people. I’m old, Ryan. I’ve lost so much, so often. Family, friends, people who were close to me. And after I do, I need a while to mourn them, until I’m ready to go again. I can’t travel alone-that’s a story for another time. But sometimes a little time for yourself, let’s say fifty years... it does help.”

Ryan bursted out a laugh. “You’re forgetting I’m human, Doctor. Fifty years is more than half my life”. 

“You’re right. Maybe five years? Five minutes? I don’t know the human equivalent to it. You’re such ephemeral creatures.”

Ryan let his laugh fade, still deep in thought. “I just wonder… what if I never leave the pain behind me?”

“You will, Ryan. It’s when stories aren’t closed that we don’t let go.”

“So, it’s yours still open?”

“Not exactly. Most of them happened a long time ago, and they’re distant memories and echoes in me. Some people were in my life for a long time, others, just hours. They all left an imprint in my soul. But one of them…” she initiated, contemplating her words. “ The story ended the day it began. And it’s been catching up to me ever since” she mysteriously replied. The sentence resonated in Ryan’s mind, pondering what it could mean. He had an inkling the Doctor wouldn’t elaborate any further, at least for the moment. They both stayed silent, lost in their own little worlds. 

 

Yaz chose that moment to knock on the door, snapping both out of their thoughts. 

___________________________

“Do I really have to try those?” she pouted, starting with disdain at her meal. 

“Yaz added some spices to it, it tastes delicious. Plus… “ he added, raising a challenging brow. “...if you eat it, there’s a surprise afterwards” he finished.

“Oooh a surprise! That’s exciting! What is it? Can I see it now? Is it earrings?” she questioned, looking around for clues. Graham sighed, turning back inside the kitchen. 

“You won’t shut up until you figure it out, won’t you? Okay, okay…” he entered the kitchen, bringing back a plate. He set one in front of The Doctor, her grin widening immediately.

“A FRIED EGG SANDWICH!” she exclaimed, rapidly reaching for it.

“No no no, Doctor! This is the prize for eating your veggies. Hurry up or it’ll get cold!”

The Doctor ate the vegetables at record speed, not even waiting for them to cool down, and burning her mouth a couple times. They all enjoyed watching her eat her loved sandwich, huge delight on her face. Ryan observed her, wondering where she got all that positive attitude from, as he was beginning to be aware of the baggage that woman had. 

Graham left again, and this time he came back with a huge cake.

“Is that nan’s famous carrot and lemon cake?” he asked, emotion in his voice.

“Yes, it’s the one. Hope it’s okay I made it, Ryan. I wanted to honour her today. Bring her presence to the table” he said, touching Ryan’s arm. He didn’t resent the touch, just barely nodded in silent agreement. 

____________________

Graham and Ryan were washing the dishes while the two women cleaned the table. There were in silence, one of the most comfortable ones they had ever shared. 

Ryan stopped scrubbing for a second, lifting his eyes towards the other man. 

“You know Graham, Grace would be really disappointed with you” he said, seriousness in his voice. Graham stared back, unsure look on his eyes. Ryan gave the older man a look through, firmly staring back at him. “You forgot to wear an apron.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like their interactions? Which one was your favorite? Any suggestions? Is this like extremely slow? (I know the answer is probably yes).
> 
> Come find me/ask any questions at www.Kopeta.tumblr.com


	3. 3. Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Graham makes some tea, creating an environment that encourages the Doctor to finally open up to her new friends about her past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're starting to get intense here. Enjoy the ride!

Ryan sat back down after cleaning, enjoying the calm atmosphere that had settled among the four friends. A faint sweet smell started filling the air, mixed with a spicy touch. He closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation.

Graham brought the tea to the table not long afterwards, a tray full of beverages on it. 

“I’ve prepared different types of teas. I thought you might like to try out different flavors” he explained. 

“I’ll never understand british people’s obsession with dirty water” Yaz huffed.

The trio raised their heads in shock. Graham was the first one to react.

“A British indian who doesn’t like tea?! What’s next, a french disliking cheese?”

“Oooh interesting! Maybe we’ll be tea haters together! I don’t know, haven’t tried it yet in this regeneration. I used to love tea. What’s with british people and tea anyway?”

“Said the one with the Yorkshire accent” Yaz retorted.

“Hey, I’m an alien! Maybe there was a Yorkshire...ish, place, you know, in Gallifrey!” she claimed, fingers raised. “Let’s get started with those teas, I can’t wait to see how my mouth reacts to them!”

“Doctor, it’s boiling. Maybe you could wait and avoid burning your mouth for the third time today.” Yaz pointed. The doctor stopped fiddling with the teapot, staring at the table with impatience. Yaz directed her gaze towards Graham, who was stil gaping. 

“But… how can you NOT like tea?! It’s so healthy and tasty!” Graham yelled on the back, still shocked. 

“Dishonor on your cow, Yasmin Khan!”

“Ryan, that’s Chinese culture.”

“But you got the movie reference, didn’t you?” Ryan replied with a teasing smile. 

Yaz sighed, nodding with her head. She had gotten similar reactions before, whenever she revealed her hatred for tea. She sat down in silence, observing the other three tasting different cups of the damned beverage. Graham loved the herbal tea the most, Ryan loved wild berries, and the Doctor was on her way to her last cup before revealing her winner. 

She poured it into a purple cup, inhaling deeply through her nostrils, eyes closed. Her expression slowly shifted, her grin turning into a soft, nostalgic smile. 

“This was her favorite” she murmured, eyes still closed, holding the cup with both hands. “She would beg me to go to Raxacoricofallapatorious to get her favorite spices. I think she just loved watching me struggle do it, since I have a death sentence on that planet. She always got them faster and of a better quality” she sighed. “And we’d sit watching the universe from the doorstep of the TARDIS, tea in our hands, and for a moment we would pretend that I wasn’t an alien and she wasn’t ticking backwards to her death. Not that she knew about the latter, of course.” she added. “Deep down she always suspected, I’m sure. I’m very good at lying, but… the sadness of that truth always made it past my eyes, no matter how hard I tried to hide it.” She slowly opened her eyes, fixing her stare at the cup in her hands. 

They all remained silent, processing the Doctor’s words. Ryan slowly leaned over his chair, getting closer to her without invading her personal space. 

“How long has it been?” he asked again, mirroring their conversation from before.

“Well, it depends. It’s been over a millenia since she died” she replied. “Less than a century since I last saw her. One time traveller makes for a messy relationship, two is just a huge mess” she explained. “She always kept track better than I did. We had diaries to keep track. Still messy.”

“I knew time travel could complicate things, but that’s just madness!” Graham exclaimed.

The Doctor took a deep breath, meditating her next words. “When you’re a time traveller, time and space are relative, opposed to people with linear time. I’ve had companions--friends, before, who have tried to change the past to save a loved one. That always, unequivocally, goes wrong. Time tries to fix itself, paradoxes, monsters, just, not fun stuff” she explained. “One of the hardest things to come to terms with as a time traveller, is understanding you can’t change your own past. It looks so easy, you have the means right there! But it’s a guaranteed disaster. Every single time.” 

She took another breath. “But regarding two time travellers… her future was my past, my future was her past, sometimes her future. It all was just time wimey. We never met in the right order. The day she died… that was the day I met her, from my perspective. She had been married to me for over two decades” she revealed. 

“Wow. That’s…” Yaz said.

“The thing is” the Doctor kept going, “before she died, she mentioned the last time she had seen me, in her timeline. That gave me a deadline, one I tried really hard to avoid. Damn, she got so annoyed at me every time I cancelled our trip. But I was never strong enough to let go. I knew that, as soon as that day didn’t come by, I’d have one more day, one more smile, just, another moment with her. So every time we met, I felt relieved to know that it wasn’t our last, but also afraid the next one might be it.”

“So you kept going like that for a whole millenia?” Yaz asked, processing the words. 

“Pretty much. But nothing can be avoided forever… so that day did eventually arrive. And I guess… well, being trapped in a time loop for over four billion years really gives you another perspective of time. When we found ourselves crashing the planet of our last appointed date, I knew that was it. And it was heartbreaking, but at the same time SO liberating, to be able to stop running after so many years. When one of your worst fears becomes true, there’s nothing to fear anymore.”

“It sounds like you managed to come to terms with it. So, what happened?” Graham asked.

The Doctor exhaled deeply, not answering right away. 

“That day, at the intergalactic market… you saw her” Ryan guessed. 

“Smart boy.” she acknowledged, nodding. 

“So that’s why you left in a hurry. I really believed it when you said some assassin from your past was after you” Yaz retorted. 

“Weeell, technically speaking… she did try to kill me when she first met me, and she would have been after me, had she known I was there.”

“Okay, I declare myself completely lost in this story” Graham said, raising his hands in defeat. 

“So, theoretically, you could bump into her again at any moment?” Ryan questioned.

“Maybe. Or never again, I can’t know. I have a general idea of where she might be, a draft of her timeline. But she’s anywhere and everywhere, just like I am.”

“You left at the market... I’m guessing you don’t feel like meeting her?” Yaz asked. “If that’s the case, can’t you just avoid the places she frequented?”

“She was always a restless woman, I’m pretty sure she had time to visit most of the galaxy, despite her short...ish lifespan. And it’s as exhausting to think and purposefully avoid those places, as it is not doing it and risk bumping into her.” she explained. “Both ways, she’s still present on my subconscious, at some level. And most of the time It’s fine, just fine! But at the same time, it feels as if I can’t completely let go.” She made a pause, struggling to get out her last words. “And I’m not entirely sure if I need to, or if I’m terrified to.” 

She exhaled, playing with her hands. “The same goes for meeting her. It’s both an amazing idea and a terrifying thought. I just don’t know if I’ll be able deal with it again.”

A small smile played in the corner of her lips, slightly changing the mood of the room.

“Well, if hiding in a college for over 70 years guarding my chilhood crush’s vault while my late wife’s picture sits in my desk counts as coping, anyway.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have accidentally written the doctor doing dirty things to yaz under the table instead of fiddling with the teapot (writing at 6 am does that to you). Now my Beta wants it to be canon.
> 
> Did you get the Rose and 10 references?
> 
> www.kopeta.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think was inside the room? Did you pinpoint the 10/11/12 Doctor references? I know I put a lot of Eleven into this... No regrets!


End file.
